shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior

For better or for worse

I love Sex and the City. I’m a Christian, but the only Christian bands I know are Switchfoot and Reliant K (and I thought they were secular at the time). I had no idea Baylor existed before my senior year of high school…and yet I went there. I went to Baylor and lived in Kokernot. I’m impulsive. I’m clueless. I’m gullible. I’m careless. I don’t always make the best decisions. Sometimes I hold grudges. Occasionally I drink…alcohol. I don’t think alcohol is the devil, unless it becomes an addiction. I’m self conscious. I’m insecure. I’m not always a good friend. I have a potty mouth in bad traffic. I’m always running behind. I get turtle eyes when I cry. I cry at the drop of a hat. Both of my parents have been divorced. . . twice. I don’t think Catholics are going to Hell. Felicity and Veronica Mars and Bridget Jones and Elizabeth Bennett are my heroes. I’ve NEVER fantasized about my wedding, never picked out a dress, never swooned over a bridal magazine. I have obsessions. I’m obsessed with all things Disney. I have definitely had facebook stalking moments. I liked, no loved, boy bands. I like hip hop/rap songs even if they have profanity. I sing at the top of my lungs in the car and in my apartment. I dance around when I’m excited about things. I throw pitty parties for myself. I judge. I have a fear of failure. I have a fear of becoming either of my parents. I don’t know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life. I watch a lot of tv. I shuffle my feet when I walk. I trip often. I can’t swim, swim. I’m neurotic. I’m passive aggressive. Sometimes I leave the house without makeup on and I‘m ok with it. I prefer cats over dogs. I used to tell people my dog that ran away was Benji, the famous dog (in my defense, I really believed it). I apologize when somebody runs into me. I say sorry sometimes when I don’t really mean it. I get tongue tied. I have verbal diarrhea. I’m self centered. Sometimes I do think it is all about me. Aaaaand I’m human.

Am I proud of all of this that I am? No, not everything. Do I hate myself for the bad things I do? No, definitely not. Do I try to change some of it? Yeah, of course. So now, it all out there. No more surprises. Well, maybe some surprises...

“So what? Do you want a cookie?” --you ask.
Yes, please. A pre-cut, stamped, Pillsbury sugar cookie with a glass of low-fat, vanilla-flavored soy milk.

****************************
Right, so this is a two parter, because I wrote this a few days ago and I couldn't connect to post it (oh the perils of living over budget. thank you NETGEAR, my internet provider). Since then, I've thought a lot about things and I've come to a conclusion, thanks to my friends at Deperate Housewives.

"The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference"--good line.

So, yes, I take a lot away from song lyrics, tv show quotes, etc. etc. Anyway at first I was very angry about something that happened a few days ago. Like seething mad. But, now I'm working toward indifference, because I don't like to go to bed with headaches every night, and I want to be an optimist and live a happy life. Music helps. a lot. Thank God for music. So, on Sex and the City Charlotte once said that it takes half the time you were dating someone to get over them. So...for something that wasn't really a friendship should take...oh...say....about a week and a half. ;)

So, this will be the last slightly somber post for a while (I hope). Look forward to happy times and ch-ch-ch-changes.

Mean Girls

"Would you call me selfish?"-Cher
"No...not to your face."-Dione

See that's the thing. Friends love you, even when you're acting selfish. Because nobody's perfect. And if you can't vent to you friends as well as share in their fortunes...than they're not really your friend.

Walking Contradiction

I think I suffer from delayed reaction syndrome. I've realized that corresponding through email, though it may backfire, sometimes may be the best course of action. The reason being because in person I never know how the person is going to react, so I'm often thrown offguard. And when I'm thrown offguard, I have issues with responded eloquently/in a witty, smart, or just understandable way. So many times I don't. I respond with silence. And then, five minutes later, when I've thought of what to say, the moment has passed. The times I do respond "in the moment" my comments usually don't make sense. For example (I think I really like examples) in high school, during an awkward crush moment, I said something like, "this is just like when..." and then I forgot what I was saying in the middle of the sentence. I blanked. I think I was thinking of some made-for-tv-movie or something. Probably wouldn't have made sense if I had remembered. God was probably trying to save me from more embarassment by just cutting me off. The person obviously was weirded out, as was I. So you see, sometimes it's better not to say anything in the moment, if you haven't thought it through.
If I do choose to respond, after thinking it through, the person is usually like, "are you really still on that?" It's makes for a very awkward situation. So, I'm rethinking my previous post (I do that a lot). I think that is probably why I'm so indecisive, because I have issue with committing to an opinion or anything for that matter. Probably why i'm gulible. If presented with enough facts or arguments, I often choose to rethink my stand on issues. Or I'm a middle of the road kind of person--never really extremly for or against anything. I think that annoys people...no, I know it does. Once, in college, a friend came into my room as an MTV music video was playing. She was extremely offended by the message. I could care less. She said I was apathetic. But really, I think that I just had a delayed reaction. I don't get boiling mad about issues (or passionate about issues) until I'm thoroughly versed on them or at least thought them through. And there really aren't many that I am or have. So, maybe that makes me apathetic. Maybe that makes me self centered. Who knows.
So after this thorough analysis (we're back to cyberspace vs. in person. keep up), I now think awkward cyberspace is better than awkward in-person conversations. At least in cyberspace you can just delete the message and pertend like the person doesn't exist. You know, 'cause that's the adult, mature thing to do. Cyberspace makes it much easier to ignore the situation at hand, which is always, always a plus.

Encore! Encore! This One's for You Kid

So, I've decided to post a few more quotable quotes from the essays I read. Don't worry, last time. I promise.

It smelled like gas inside those tanks P.U.

Then I don’t like it when your day is completely fine until you step in deer poop! It’s just plain wrong!

There was this one part of the ride that made me want to pee on myself

“Can you just tell me what this world is called?” It’s called yo mama, now let’s go-(that one was for you Jan)

Every day I would go swimming and the counselor said if you looked at a girl you would become pregnant. I didn’t believe that but I still didn’t look at them.

One reason why I like going over there is because she smells like fresh roses and not like an old homeless shelter.

I think her secret ingredient is putting her foot in it [her food] because the food stinks but taste good.

Who ever said that S.F. (six flags) is boring boy do they got issues with tissues.

Rainy Days and Sundays...err...Mondays

Rainy days don't really get me down...they kind of make me slow down and take a break from everything. Saturday it rained and we watched Zoolander :) Today it rained and I watched the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and 13 Going on 30...and now I'm listening to Coldplay. Such a great, lazy, hazy day. I truely enjoyed, as John Mayer says, the "great indoors."
Can I just say that I LOVE my apartment. I mean, I really love it. And my bed. I think my bed is my favorite place to go. I could write a 4th-grade-inspired essay about it. My down comforter is so crinkly...mmmm... Though I love my apartment, it has its not-so-classy moments. On Saturday somebody's dog apparently pooped in the elevator and the owner didn't clean it up. Grose. So, somebody left a nasty note. heh. sorry, the word poop makes me laugh now. heh. ok. anyway, so Zoolander is probably one of my favorite funny movies ever. I have to say that I am a huge Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson/Luke Wilson/Vince Vaughn/Will Ferrell/Jimmy Fallon fan. Granted, they are getting a little too popular, but they're still funny. Dodgeball was sort of not as funny, but Shanghi Noon, Zoolander, Swingers, Old School, Anchorman, Bottle Rocket (2 words?) etc. etc. --all very good movies. I just want to highlight some of the better quotes from our Saturday-night-flick fest. Basically just thinking about Will Ferrell's face as a little girl licking a lollipop makes me laugh.

"I feel like I'm taking crazy pills"--Mugatu
"Are you not aware that I get gassy and bloated from a foamy latte?"--Mugatu
"Who you getting crazy with ese? Don't you know I'm loco?"--Hansel
"Pop, I think I've got the black lung"--Derrick
"Merman...merMAN"--Derrick
"Child labor laws are silly and outdated" --Mugatu
"Obey my dog"--Mugatu

wa wa waaa

So my new part-time job is grading, err scoring, 4th-grade taks-test essays--one right after the other, right after the other, right after the other--for 4 hours. It gets extremely monotonous...or at least it did. Now that my sense of humor rapidly is turning into a 5 year old's the time is going by a little quicker every day...or maybe that's just the 2nd cup of coffee kicking in. I already had 5-year-old humor slightly (ex. when I'm in the gym with my sister and we're lifting weights I can't not giggle around the inner/outer buttox weight machine.) heh. I believe someone once called it the sex machine. Anyway...lately I've been hearing more about Chucke Cheese, Limited Too, Disneyland, WalMart and Six Flags that I ever wanted to know. I now am starting to unconciously overuse the words awesome, cool, fun and, of course, vomit or any of the other words to describe it: upchuck, throw up, hurl, puke, etc etc. I almost feel like a 4th grader in that room, because it's so quiet. Also guy formerly known as "inapropriate boss crush," gets agitated easily. It's almost like we're not allowed to talk.
I think that after this job I could get a job with Nickelodeon Magazine or some other children's publication, because I am getting in tune with their thought patterns.
I'd like to take the time to share some of my favorite lines thus far. Keep in mind that the prompt is, "where is your favorite place to go."

Drip drip went the tears down my cheek as I threw the flowers on my cremated cat's grave.

I had a plethora of fun.

I grabbed my food and yelled, 'come to papa' then I stuffed my face with the chicken nuggets and when I was done with the chicken nuggets stuffed all 3 cheeseburgers hole in my giant hungry mouth then said in my head "Oh yeah."

the cows yuk they smell like but.

I wich I can talk like China people

Everytime I go there I fell so hmmm mmm.

I asked, "for the pictures." she said, "ok."

I sat down in my comfortable seat and ensconced myself.

I am angry like a cat when a mice still it's cheese.

Is enormes as a dinosar about to crash a house

It was also as bouncy as a midget on a tramelene with a fat guy.

The teacher taught me about kindness and just saying no. So Malary gave us an example, "I said no when he tried to kiss me."

So I jumped as fast as I could to get her finger and finally I got to her finger and I was in her nose. I looked around to see what was in there. I liked visiting peoples nose because I like swinging on the hairs and skateboarding on the bugers.

the best thing there is my family. that's because if know one in my family was alive I wouldn't have real parents.

I walked away but the cake kept shouting, "eat me, eat me" and that is just what i did. One piece after the other I ate the creamy goodness. Then, I was full and my stomach was acheing and I felt something backfire and I learned never to eat to mouch chocolate cake or you'll be sorry.

the time it takes [to build a park] makes you give out your soul.

Oh snap look at that kite it's huge!

So, if the next time you're hanging out with me and we pass a television playing "muppet babies" or "you can't do that on television" and I start laughing at a cut-it-out type uncle-Joey-from-Full-House joke, you'll know why. On the way home I heard a Snoop Dogg song. You know that one that goes "rollin down the street smokin' (inhale) sippin on gin and juice. laid back. with my mind on my money and my money on my mind." Ahh...takes you back.

Babies of the 80s-Something Corporate
I grew up on five-alive
And transformers and slip-n-slide
Toy's R Us and Chuck-e-Cheeze
Disco out and techno in
to synthesize my favorite sin
And here I am on my knees
To get it back again

Babies of the 80's
Little girls in lycra shorts
Tented beds, nerf contact sports
My babies of the 80's
Shout it out just one more time
For the generation that was all mine

We learned to crawl on linoleum floors
Ronald Regan fought Star Wars
But he'll never be Han Solo
Students march Tienemen Square
They took him out hey that's not fair
Dad said it's good to be free
As we watched from our T.V.

Babies of the 80's
Little girls in lycra shorts
Tented beds, nerf contact sports
My babies of the 80's
Shout it out just one more time
For the generation that was all mine

We watched the wall fall down
Woke up early for Bozo the clown
MTV and Nick at Night
And I slept for the first time
Without the light
without the light
without the light

My Babies of the 80's
**Little girls in jelly shoes
got the ferris bueller blues**
My babies of the 80's
yes we could be something after all
Who knew yes we could be something after all
Who knew yes we would be something after all
Who Knew

Lost in Translation

It's true that over IM and e-mail you are more likely to be looked at as a witty conversationalist, because you can edit what you say. You have more time to think about your responses. My sister once told me that her friend told her she was a witty conversationalist on AIM. She asked, and in person? Silence. Of course he was joking, but there is a definite difference in having a conversation through cyberspace vs. in person.
So, the thing about e-mail, and really all forms of written communication, is that in some uses it's the chicken's way out (two thumbs pointed at me). You're less likely to be caught off guard. And if you are you have more time to respond. I have made the mistake of having more personal conversations, usually conflicts, through email-not once but over and over and over again. All have backfired. Let me describe what I'm talking about with a little example. Right after we graduated from high school my best friend and I were angry with each other. I emailed an apology, and she took it the complete opposite way. It was a disaster. Needless to say, we spoke a few times after that, and now I don't even know if she's still alive. I won't describe other examples, too embarassing, but i will say that touchy subjects should not be left to the written word. How many times have you written an e-mail, read over it, sent it, and then read over it again only to find that one sentence had multiple meanings. In fact, not just that one sentence, more than one sentence. Now you're stressing. Which meaning will they take? You can't email again, because then it's just obsessive. What do you do? You learn from it and not do it again, right? Unfortunately, I do not. So, I'm writing this blog in hopes that it will be a reminder in the future to just pick up the phone and make the call or leave it be. The result can't be worse than never talking to that person again. At least this way you have a chance of resolving the situation to the point where you keep enough contact with them to know if he or she is still alive in 5 years.

"Seriously?!"

Oh Grey's Anatomy. So, I just wanted to say that I love getting messages and mail in basically any form (except bills, bombs, etc). I love e-mails, comments on blogs, phone messages (probably the best), packages in my mailbox (no, this is the best), facebook messages, you get what I'm saying. Anyway, when I get a missed call on my phone that I don't know the identification to, I get really curious. Especially if that number is a Texas number. One because, since my phone is now a Connecticut number, the odds of someone in Texas misdialing a Connecticut number are slim. And two because I like hearing my phone ring (I just got a new ringtone) and the missed call is a missed opportunity for that, obviously. But seriously, I think the curiousity is all about the mystery. Who's on the other line, and why didn't they leave a message? I even look up the area code sometimes...Unfortunately those that do leave a message usually are congressman trying to get my vote, a machine recording, or... a wrong-number text message...which happened once and was a Connecticut number. They were like, "what are you girls doing tonight." yeah. Oh look, I just got a call. heh. Anyway I just thought I would share my bordering-on-obsessive curiousity.

Changing your stars

two blogs in one day...wtf?!? Well, I thought I should follow up my previous whiney post with an extremely cheesy, but inspirational, line from some Heath Ledger movie. Sorry, I've sunk to a new low. Anyway, though slightly rediculous, this line inspired me to get over it and do something about it. No more moping about people or my life. I need to just get out there and find somewhere to go and people to go with. No more sad songs that remind me of "better" times. I need to make new great times set to new great music. Something worth capturing on a digicam and posting on facebook, perhaps. :) I will be an optimist. I will.

What about your friends?

What about them. I think my new best friend is tivo. so loyal. always there. maybe i should make up an imaginary one. "Oh, stop being so dramatic," you say. No. I don't want to. It's one of those days and I'm going to exploit it. I'm starting to realize that the friend count is low...and this whole blog thing really is like i'm talking to myself. Yeah, maybe I'm "crying a river" or "fishing for compliments." I don't care.

Something's gotta change before this:

It's another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody
I got some money 'cause I just got paid
Now how I wish I had someone to talk to
I am in an awful way

becomes my permanent theme song. :/ Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I brought this on myself...I'm the common denominator in all of my friendships. save it.

Maybe I'm just tired and cranky.

what does stupidity cost you?

well...a little respect, a little bit of pride, and...about 10 bucks. that's right...my ticket for being an idiot only cost $10. Small price to pay, I say. Perhaps there is a pot of gold at the end of this girl's rainbow. :)

After all, well isn't this just a momentary thing?

It's not like I expected it,

Or any heavy thing

oh no she dit'nt

um...so I was in spinning yesterday when i heard the familiar electronic rift "da da da da" "da da da da da da"... yeah, I was actually exercising to "The Final Countdown." It made me sad all over again. One because our spinning instructor actually genuinely liked the song. And two because it was another reminder that my precious show, Arrested Development, had been canceled. I will no longer see new episodes of Job practicing his illusions to the overly synthesized 80s hit. sigh. I guess I still have the Office.

Michael: So, this is the magic trick, huh?

G.O.B.: “Illusion,” Michael. A “trick” is something a whore does for money... or candy!

"I've got a fever"

Well, if you're any kind of SNL fan you can finish that quote. If not...I'll finish it for you: "and the cure is more cowbell"--Christopher Walken. Now, I don't exactly need more cowbell, but I do crave more sunshine. It's definitely time to come out of hibernation. I need to get out more. Like out, out, not just to the gym or to the grocery store. I actually wanted to spring clean the other day. The moment was short-lived but still...I can tell springtime is just around the corner.

Hello Sunshine...come into my life
In honesty it's been awhile
since we've had reason left to smile
Hello Sunshine...come into my life

Ok, enough with analagies that probably only make sense in my head. I do have a bad case of spring fever, though. Today I imagined myself running outside in the sunshine. I swoon about walking to the store or steeling a friend's dog so I can walk it. Slight crazy, I know. Maybe it's because I just got a new part-time job on top of my real job, so I'm indoors all the time. It's only temporary (til April 26), but it means I work from 9:30-10, 5 days a week. I'm not being a sympathy whore, I'm just giving out information. I feel like I need to get outside. I need to be taken for a walk. A long walk. I don't know if going outside will be enough, though. I feel like I need to get away. I've had dreams in which I'm running really fast away from something, and it feels great. Perhaps I'm missing my spring break. It's my first year without one :( <-now I am being a sympathy whore. Maybe it was triggered by my spin class on Sunday. We spun (?!?) to the song, Everybody's workin for the weekend. Who knows. I'm going to stop speculating now.

I don't know how I caught it, but I did. Maybe I should start scheduling in hikes or join an intramural team. Oh to play intramural softball. I love it. Plant some trees? Any ideas? I don't know. I just know that I need some fresh air.

New Job-ok, so you know about my spring obsession, but what you don't really know about is my new job. Well, I'm going to tell you about it right now (by the way this is sort of how 4th grade essays start. they're rubbing off on me). My new job is scoring 4th-grade Taks-test essays. Don't let my lame description fool you, it makes for an extremely entertaining last 4 hours of my day. Fourth graders are really funny and creative and...basically brilliant. They write what they feel. Their minds haven't yet been constricted to as many grammar and stylistic rules as ours have. Though they frequently misspell words, they take a phonetic stab at them. One kid wrote "mulkontrol." heh.
What's great about it is that you can really hear them reading the essay. You can really imagine a little kid telling you their sory. I love it. Because we're still in training, the coordinator has been reading essays aloud to show us examples of different levels of writing. He does a really good job at trying to capture each child's voice. He makes the group of 300+ strangers laugh together. Honestly I think I have a little crush on him now :) I'm such a sucker for funny boys. Unfortunatley I think he's like 30 (definitely not a boy)...and probably married. I think it's more of a crush on his voice really, because I haven't actually seen him close up. Oh well. Whatever it is, it still makes the time much more enjoyable.